nowadays a lot of things on my mind. clouding my judgement. i get vexed, frustrated, upset very easily.
every little thing is able to tip me off my balance and start getting upset over the smallest things.
family, fow, friends. Nothing is going smoothly at the moment.
And as the week progresses, I find more and more things.
that upset me. i know your trying really really hard to cheer me up.
and i know its not easy. and im sorry for feeling like that everyday.
i try to perk up, and the next day something else will happen.
a lot of things i do, i dont like myself for doing it.
but its a duty.
because as humans we all have many roles.
as children, as siblings, as seniors, or juniors,
as parents, as friends, as spouses.
many roles. and some of them may be conflicting.
you do things to please a group and u sacrifice another group.
i feel that im sacrificing my friends.
i hate myself for that.
but i havent found a way to get around it.
as much as i love my friends,
family always has to come first.
finally came back from overseas. im still trying to get used to weather, after experiencing the cool and rainy weather
in china and hong kong. god knows HOW it can rain ALL day in hong kong.
goodness. i left hong kong for macau, it was raining, when i came back from rainy macau,
it was STILL raining. after spending so much time with my umbrella,
im starting to hate it. hahaha.
trying to take photos or eat while cradling the umbrella is no joke. DX
it was an eventful trip. being stuck in a plane for 9 hours plus
was just plain torture.
i know there are ppl starving out there who are never able to board a plane,
and im fortunate to even be able to go on a holiday,
but really. sitting for a straight 9 hour stretch kills any hint of holiday mood i was able to have.
had a horrible aching back after that. D:
and actually, china's a really nice place.
just some of the occurrences make it seem...
not as enjoyable as it could have been.
and then, basically i had a pretty ok holiday.
and when i landed at changi airport,
and was going to collect the luggage,
i saw a whole bunch of ppl entering the departure gate.
ONE WHOLE BUNCH of guys.
i was just thinking that bunch seems like NS men,
then i saw him. =_=
of all the NS ppl i know...
sigh.
sometimes fate likes to play with you.
the more you try to avoid someone, or things relating to the person,
the more you get reminded of it.
and for my case, its like the world's biggest joke was played on me,
cause i saw the person himself.
the least likely place i was ever to meet him,
and i saw him at the airport. =_=
after avoiding school, avoiding the east west line,
avoiding common friends,
even the place he stays,
and i saw him at the airport. =_=
singapore is sure small.
suddenly i felt helpless, like whatever i have been trying to do
to make myself better was futile.
and for a moment i really felt like crying.
but the place wasnt right for crying,
i didnt feel upset enough to be justified enough to cry.
it was interesting to find out,
that almost a year later,
i could still be so affected by a person.
instantly i could feel the pain in my heart again,
like ironically after spending such a long time to heal it,
it seems it didnt help much. =_=
i know its being mean,
but i cant control it.
and other than seeking for understanding,
i dont know what else i can do.
that day on the way to dinner for birthday celebration,
i still couldnt handle going through the stupid place myself.
on the way there, i could subconsciously hear jiejie and someone else
conversing, but honestly, i have no idea what conversation it was about,
or whether i was engaged in it. basically i was what you call stoning.
on the way back, i held his hand tightly.
i dont understand why im still like this.
ironically, maybe i was really stronger when i was younger.
and as i got older, i forgotten how to harden my heart,
slowly took away the defensive walls,
forgot how to protect myself.
and now im undergoing the consequences.
